LOVE AND ABUSE
The following is an excerpt from my book, Damaged
Goods", and briefly describes inner feelings as related to relationships:
There are those that would say I am cold and
callous. There are even those that would say I am mentally impaired, or in serious need of mental help. I fall into neither
of those two categories. If there were ever anyone willing to take the time, or cared enough to look below the surface, they
would discover the real me.
Then through destiny, or whatever prevailing force,
you find what you think to be that special someone, the one that you want, and need to share your total self with. Finally
you’re in love. What a precious, vulnerable position you place your self in. You draw this someone into not only into
your life, but into your heart and your soul as well. When it’s all brand new, you experience that untold rush of adrenaline,
the escalated heart rate, butterflies in the abdomen. All you can do is hope that life has prepared you for this once in a
lifetime event...the most important in your life. Timing is essential. Are you ready, and prepared for what it takes to make
it blossom and last? Or are you so ill prepared as a result of the abuse that you stumble and fall flat on your face and destroy
the best thing that ever happened to you. Only to find yourself facing the rest of your life with such a deep seeded anguish
that some days it’s so hard to breathe through the pain that you just don’t think you can make it till the crest
of another dawn appears.
The saddest of all is how you live your daily life:
You smile, you go through the motions of every day, trying desperately to appear to be what you aren’t or can Never
be because of past abuse. You beat yourself up endlessly, placing blame where it doesn't belong, searching for answers you’ll
never find, wanting, loving, needing to go back in time, to be given just one more chance. Just one opportunity to go back
in time and to have all the horror undone. And if ever granted this opportunity, you hope for the wisdom to succeed, to make
the dream that awaits us all to become a reality. But you’re not capable. Life for you is a dizzying blur of obscurity.You
were never given the proper tools. The tools necessary and common for most, passed you by, but through no fault of your own.
It all seems so very unfair.
At first you’re angry, you’re bitter
and mad at everyone, mainly yourself. But you also think and feel, why can’t they SEE the real truth or TAKE the time,
or make effort to find what is inside? Your heart screams in agony and you think, "Why God, why do they expect perfection
when there can never be any in a scarred soul such as mine?"
I certainly never proclaimed perfection. God knows
how far I am from that pinnacle.
In addition to learning this, I also learned a very valuable lesson. "Don’t ever expect anything,
that way you will never be disappointed."
LITTLE GIRL LOST
Tiny, little girl lies, frightened in the
The terror she felt so real as he embarked.
His hands explored, seeking their demand,
Total innocence of life, was more than
she could stand.
Images in the dark becoming surreal,
Never knowing late in life, she would someday
Mind takes control and splits off feeling,
Confusion so great, through life stumbling...reeling.
Prisoner of past lies and deceit, little
Beginning at four, she was horribly abused.
Where were the ones that cared, to protect
and set her free,
Life of torment, demons waging, I struggle
to find me.
Never knowing that from the past, to the
future, the affects would come,
Little girl lost, she constantly seeks
a special someone.
Pamela Rose (all rights reserved)