This is then: Childhood sexual abuse!! Oh No…Hide it in the closet! No one can find out. Not our family!! Tie it up with a pretty bow! Keep silent forever!! Nevermind that the victim will tragically spend all the days of their life in a world of pain to horrible to fathom by most..

This is Now: It is the twenty-first century and as tragic as it may be, it can’t be hidden anymore. The reality is that abuse is a very real problem in these United States. Today people are free to step forward and grab the attempt to help heal themselves. The monsters can no longer hope to stay hidden. They will be revealed and dealt with. Unlike before, victims can come forward and share their pain with others. They no longer have to feel like a dirty, nasty thing with no worth. This is how it should be.

Before I begin, it is important to note that I am in no way a counselor, nor do I profess to be. I do not recommend that anyone follow in my foot steps. What may work for one, may be a disaster for someone else that isn’t prepared. All I can do is describe what was best and necessary for me during my journey to erase the scars.

Abuse comes in many forms, ranging from verbal, to physical. Although all forms of abuse, leave deeply embedded scars. I feel the most tragic form of abuse, is childhood sexual molestation. The aftermath ramifications are endless and lasting; they will follow you through your entire life.

I wish I had easy answers, but there are none. When a person so heinously abuses a young innocent child, they mentally kill that child in that they never experience childhood from that moment forward and even as they reach adulthood, they will always have problems making rash, constructive decisions for themselves. More times, than not, a victim will find themselves in one bad relationship, after another. Each abusive.

Some other symptoms of child abuse are that you never feel like you belong anywhere, you never fit in. You always feel like you’re on the outside looking in, you never feel that you are good enough, and one that is very destructive is you can become co-dependent. Another thing which can occur, is you can develop fractured personalities or (DID) Disassociative Identity Disorder. I have known individuals with this. As for me, when I was in my early 40’s, I developed severe panic disorder. Since I had never told a soul about my abuse, I never received counseling and my doctor told me that since it was never dealt with in any type of therapy, it would manifest in some way and it did in panic.

When I was 45, I also developed a cerebral aneurysm that required brain surgery to repair. I am told that aneurysms are primarily created through massive stress, so I have to believe that is why this one resulted, after the years and years of intense stress I have had to live with. I have to chuckle, although it isn’t very humorous. During my recovery from brain surgery, my doctor told me that I had to avoid stress at all cost. I thought to myself, "How does one do that in this life and continue to live"?

I don’t mean to sound negative, but I certainly don’t have the answers. However, I do believe that it is absolutely essential that anyone having been abused, receive counseling as quickly as possible. That is the only measure that can provide any real cure.

I have been to counseling sporadically, but never long enough. During these sessions, I was told over and over again that the best thing for me to do would be to confront the abusers. I always balked at this idea..it actually terrified me. I felt like they were backing me into a corner and giving me no recourse or an alternative which scared me senseless. During this time, my grandmother was still living and I knew if I came forward with the truth, she would be greatly hurt and I was not willing to subject her to this pain, so I kept silent.

Finally, I reached a point in life where I became extremely angry for no apparent reason. Everyone was a victim of my anger...all the wrong people. I would attack those closest to me unprovoked. I knew something had to be done. For whatever reason, confrontation stuck in my mind, so I gathered up all my courage and sat down and wrote each of my abusers a long letter placing the blame where it was appropriate and it belonged.

I knew what could happen going in. I knew they could deny their participation and I was ready for that to happen. I was right, they each vehemently denied ever touching me. Even though I knew the truth, I realized they did too. Even though they denied the truth, a wonderful thing had happened. I no longer carried the burden alone. I had placed it back where it belonged. I wish I could say there was an instant cure, but there wasn’t and never will be. It’s a battle for life. When you’re a victim, your whole being is splintered. That is why counseling is so viable. A skilled counselor can help to put the pieces back together once again. This will be covered in detail further on into the book.

I have no magical cures, but I do have my own experiences and am happy to share them. That is the primary reason I decided to write this book. It is my sincere hope that by doing so, I will be able to help someone else in some small way. Sometimes it helps to just know that you are not alone and that others know how you feel and can relate.

On the pages to follow, I will relive my life for you so that you will have an idea of the affects abuse of this nature has on an individual.

Through the years, people have often told me that I should write my life story. Until now, I always scoffed at the idea. Why would anyone want to read about my life and me? Sure there has been plenty of drama and intrigue, but I am sure there are many others with just as much, if not, more so. Then I began to think that maybe I should in hope that by reading some other victim could possibly be helped. I also looked at it as maybe one more step in my own healing process. Also, writing about all of it, is another way to assist the healing process and when you live with the aftermath, you are constantly seeking release from the pain, if even for a while.

They say that life is a journey and I suppose that's true and I know that many people take different kinds of journeys. Some on gilded roads, while others travel over and through the dirt, bumps and holes in the road. I don't know what constitutes the difference and why some people live seemingly charmed lives while others are plagued with struggle and strife.

Some of us take a different road all together, the one that springs from childhood sexual abuse. It is not a sunny, tree lined road, nor even one that glides through a country meadow, but one frothed with many internal demons. Demons of the mind and soul. Demons thrust upon us through terror, to plague and misguide us our whole lives through.